A Night For Remembering
by Mel1592
Summary: Cole spends some time remembering the past and reflecting on his hopes for the future


Title: Memories of the Past, Hopes for the Future Author: Mel Rating: G Spoilers: None Teaser: Cole spends some time alone under the stars, remembering the past and reflecting on what the future might hold Feedback: Oh, please, feed me, feed me!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just take them out of Lion's Gate's toybox, play with them for a little while and then return them to the box unharmed.  
  
Author's Notes: This fic was really spur of the moment in the beginning, and I formed the whole idea of it in about ten minutes. But I think it's been rewritten more times than any fic I've ever written. Several things inspired it, including part of the fic 'Tabula Rasa' by Blue and a couple of early episodes. 'Tracker' and 'Children of the Night' were the biggest ones, but 'Without a Trace', 'Love Cirronian Style' and 'Cloud Nine' also played a small role. I think the hardest part was coming up with names. Please don't laugh at my alien names because names aren't my strong point in general and these are even harder to come up with. I can hardly believe that the first draft of this fic was only three and a half pages, and that it's now nearly eight and a half pages, more than double its original legnth.  
  
"Mel, can I borrow your car?" Cole asked as he emerged from the stairway and walked over to the bar.  
  
"Yes, I think that would be all right" she answered, looking up from her cleaning. "Where are you going?" she asked as she got the keys out. "Got some new information on someone?"  
  
"I just want to drive outside the city for a while" he answered. "I want to.what do you call it . . . Stargaze, and these city lights make it extremely difficult, even using the telescope."  
  
"Homesick, Cole?" she asked as she handed him the keys.  
  
"Only a bit," he answered, "but it's nothing I can't handle. The reason I want to do this is that I've been thinking a lot about my wife and daughter lately. There are several reasons. One is the fugitive I just captured. He's an Enixian serial killer and what you would call a child rapist. He killed his own family and then went on what humans would call a 'killing spree'. He managed to kill 15 children and young women-I think you would call them teenagers-on three planets before we caught him."  
  
"God . . .And I thought we had some real creeps down here. Do you guys have the death penalty where you come from? Because that guy deserves it."  
  
"No, we don't. But we did make sure he wouldn't be able to escape and harm anyone else-at least until Zin got involved and freed him. He was able to kill 3 human children before I could catch him. Besides that, I've been seeing a lot of things on TV. There were two kidnapping cases out in the Western United States and several more in this area. I've seen a lot of disturbing things on this planet, but these crimes against chidren are the worst.  
  
Mel nodded. "There are some sick minds on this planet, Cole."  
  
"These things rarely happen on Cirron anymore. Children and family are very important. We spend a lot of time and energy to make sure our children know they are happy and loved. And we don't have divorce, either. We do what you would call courting, building our relationships slowly. It can take years before we marry, and when we do, we stay together until we die. It's not exactly the way you know it, but that's the best way I can think of to explain it. I'll have to go into more detail when I have the time."  
  
"I'd like that," she answered. "And I think humans could use a few lessons from your people."  
  
"They probably could. Perhaps one day the Cirronians will be able to teach humans some things."  
  
"It'd be nice. And to tell you the truth, I could tell something's been bothering you lately. You've been pretty quiet, and when you do those . . .what are they, trances? . . .you've been having those nightmare things again."  
  
"Yes, they've been coming on very often," he answered, "and I thought that maybe being alone out where I can see the stars and talking to my family might help a little. Humans do that sometimes, talking to their loved ones who have died."  
  
"I talk to my grandmother sometimes when I'm alone" Mel said. "Not all the time or anything like that, but once in a while I do it. Lately it's mostly been questions, like why didn't she tell me about any of this alien stuff when she was alive. I guess it's like a stress reliever or something. We don't know if they can hear us or not, but talking helps us feel better."  
  
"Yes, it does," he answered, "And if your grandmother had told you about your heritage and about us, you probably wouldn't have believed her. You had to find out for yourself."  
  
"I guess so. I probably would've thought she wasn't quite all there or something, you know, crazy. But it would've been better than suddenly finding out that there's a whole side of myself that I don't know anything about. Lots of people have ancestors that come from two different countries or two different races of humans, but finding out that my ancestors came from two different planets and that I'm part alien is a lot to take all at once. Before you came, I didn't even think that aliens really existed, let alone that they were my ancestors. Of course, after what I've seen these past few months, nothing surprises me anymore. I'm just glad you're around to help me figure it out."  
  
"I understand," he replied," And you are right. It is a lot to find out all at once. I'm glad I can help you as much as I do." He paused for a moment and then spoke up again. "I'd better be going. I'm just glad you trust me to drive alone now. It's a lot easier than having to walk. This city is too bright and noisy even at night to do a lot of thinking outside."  
  
She smiled slightly. " That's for sure. And your driving has improved a lot since you started. At least you're not driving without a license anymore. Or parking on the sidewalk." She couldn't help laughing a bit. " Just don't take any more driving advice from Nestov."  
  
"I've made a point of not doing that anymore." he answered. "All his advice is bad. He says he's a good driver, I've seen intoxicated humans who drive better than him."  
  
Mel laughed. " I'd sure hate to see him drive drunk. Just promise me you'll be careful. You can't be too cautious with all those fugitives on the loose again and probably after you."  
  
"I'll be careful, Mel," he said as he turned to leave. "I won't be gone too long."  
  
He drove for some time, and slowly, the tall buildings of the city gave way to the house and apartment lined streets of the suburbs, which in turn slowly became fewer and fewer until he found himself out in the country. The bright city lights slowly faded, revealing a clear, starlit night sky. He realized he was near Highway 88, the place where Mel had first picked him up.  
  
That whole thing did, indeed, seem a long time ago. In reality, it had only been a little less than a year, but already he couldn't imagine life without Mel. He had no regrets about his decision to stay with her. Perhaps they would both go to Cirron one day. Mel had expressed a desire to do it sometime in the future. Or maybe he would stay on Earth. The important thing was that they were together. He remembered the empty, lonely feeling he'd had after he'd lost his family, and going home had brought that feeling back. He couldn't allow himself to end up alone again. Still, happy as he was here, he missed his family greatly. It would really hit him when he'd see young humans out with their families, or couples sharing a romantic moment like a kiss or an embrace together. He'd watch for a moment and inevitably think back on what he'd lost and how alone he was. As much as he cared for Mel, even she couldn't take away all of the emptiness he felt.  
  
Stopping the car and shutting off the engine, he got out and stood leaning against the side of the car, staring up at the night sky. It was so much clearer out here, away from the bright lights that lit up the sky so brightly they almost completely blocked the stars from view. There was a slight orangish cast to the east, in the direction of the city, but apart from that, there was nothing to hide the light of the moon and stars. The blackness of the sky was a sharp contrast to the hundreds of tiny, twinkling lights and the large, round shape of Earth's moon. He recognized the Big Dipper, and even though he couldn't see Cirron, he knew it wasn't far from that constellation. He felt close to his family here.  
  
He began to speak softly, in Cirronian. It felt good to speak it again, mostly because human languages even English, which was considered fairly complex by Earth standards, lacked the words and concepts he needed to clearly express his thoughts and emotions. Many of the words he spoke had no English equivalent, but a rough translation would have been: I miss you both very much. I wish you could be with me, if only for a few minutes. Mel is a good friend, and I care for her very much, but I would give anything to have you with me again. I love you both very much, and my heart aches for you. I think about you every day. Having a special friend like Mel helps, but the emptiness is still there. I look forward to the day we can be together again. He sighed, wishing there were some way that he could have both Mel and his family with him.  
  
Good memories began to fill his mind. Cirronian standards of beauty were different from human ones, since Cirronians lacked physical bodies, but he liked to think that his wife, Duna, would be thought of as beautiful even here. He remembered the radiant golden glow of her light, the loveliness of her appearance and the feeling of her presence against him. He recalled the wonderful, euphoric feeling of mating. It wasn't the same as human mating, but he thought, something far better. There was no way to express it in human language. Their two life forces coming together in what could best be explained as 'becoming part of each other', intertwining with each other, manifesting with a brilliant, dazzling glow of light. He wondered if he would ever experience those feelings again. Perhaps, someday, with Mel, he would feel some of them again, but not now. She was mixed, part human, part Cirronian, and thus physically capable only of human mating, but he had little doubt that they could still have very fulfilling experiences. For now, however, until the fugitives were back on Sar-Top and his duty was done, he would content himself with the memories of what had once been. He remembered the times they'd walked and talked or just sat together under skies very much like this one, either with each other or as a family, with his daughter.  
  
His thoughts turned to his daughter, Savara. Cirronian birth wasn't like human birth. The 'pregnancy' as humans called it, was much shorter. There was little or no pain at all, though the process of creating a new life force was just as exhausting for a female Cirronian as for a female human. The mother's life force usually needed several days to regenerate. He vividly recalled the first time he'd seen her and held her. She had a soft, golden glow and looked very much like her mother. She was playful and intelligent and seemed to very much enjoy learning and showing what she knew. She also loved to talk about her father, that he was a Tracker and he was very brave, which always made him smile. He recalled several times when something had frightened her and she'd come to him. He'd hold her and rock her and tell her that as long as he was with her, she never had to be frightened, because he would always protect her. He thought he would always be there when she needed him, yet when she'd needed him the most, he hadn't been able to keep her from harm, and that was something he'd had a hard time accepting. He smiled at the memories of playing with her, going for walks with her, or simply holding her close as she snuggled against him.  
  
Bitter memories began to come to him, memories of the days following their deaths. Though peaceful by nature, Cirronians were still capable of feeling pain, anger and even hatred at times. The emotions weren't exactly like human ones, but they were similar. Unlike some other species, humans and Vardians in particular, a Cirronian would never kill out of revenge or hatred, but he had felt driven to track down Rhee and make him face justice.  
  
He felt tears sting his eyes as a wave of pain, grief and anger swept over him as he thought of Rhee out there again, free to kill and destroy innocent lives and cause so much pain and anguish. When he'd discovered that the fugitives had escaped into the wormhole after he'd tried to return them to Sar-Top, and that Rhee was free again, he'd felt the same powerful, all-consuming drive he'd felt right after his family had been taken re- ignite inside him. He would not stop searching and tracking and doing whatever it took until he had found and captured Rhee again. He began to speak again, his thoughts reminiscent of a time not all that long ago when he'd stood outside his home, on a warm Cirronian night, gazing up at a similar sky, and spoken these very same words.  
  
I promise, you will not have died in vain. I know that Rhee is still out there, but I will capture him. I promise you that. I will do everything in my power to ensure that he cannot do to anyone else what he has done to you. Know that nothing he did can ever really take you from me. It may not be an easy task, but I will find him. Do not be afraid for me, for if I die in the process, we will be together again.  
  
Now, as then, there were times when he wanted to kill Rhee. However, his loyalty to his heritage and his determination to abide by the Cirronian law of 'a price for every action' stopped him from doing it. Killing Rhee wouldn't bring back Duna or Savara or any of his other victims and the only thing he would gain would be a life sentence of his own on Sar-Top. He would lose his freedom, any contact with Mel, and, he had little doubt, his life. As a Tracker, he would probably be killed quickly by one or more of the inmates he himself had captured. No, he would not kill Rhee when he tracked him down, even though his heart held great anger and hatred toward the Vardian. He would, however, do everything he could to keep him from ever killing again.  
  
He hadn't been there when his family was killed, but sometimes he saw vivid, painful images, something like the terrible dreams humans called nightmares, in his mind that made him think of what they must have gone through in their last moments. Cirro-nians didn't sleep, of course, but they did sometimes go into a trance-like or meditation type of state that was used to help relax and clear the mind. Most of the time, he would experience peaceful, pleasant images, but on rare occasions, the terrible, painful visions would come while he was in this state and he wouldn't be able to drive them away. He would find himself shaking and crying and having to explain to Mel what as going on. She was very understanding and caring, and would try to comfort him, holding him and rocking him and speaking soothingly. Usually, that worked and he'd calm down.  
  
Sometimes, he couldn't help but feel as though he'd failed them because of what had happened. They'd both depended on him to protect them and he hadn't been able to. That's why he could not let anything happen to Mel. He had never expected to find someone as special as her when he came to Earth, and he didn't think he could live with himself if anything happened to her. She was a friend, but also so much more than that. He had already saved her life several times, and would do whatever it took, even giving up his own life force, to ensure her safety.  
  
For a long time after his family had been taken, he had felt dead and empty inside. Putting his life back together and moving on was a long, painful process. Meeting Lontoria on Sar-Top had helped somewhat, and his friendship with Mel had done him much good since he'd come to Earth. As he'd slowly recovered, he'd noticed something: The searing pain, intense loneliness and numbing grief had slowly faded away with time, but there was a dull ache that never really left. Most of the time it was there in the back of his mind, but there were so many other things to be done that it didn't really bother him very much. But, sometimes certain things would make it hit him more intensely-a sight, a sound, the actions of a criminal he was tracking- and he would think of what had been so cruelly taken from him and how much he missed them.  
  
He'd been hit hardest, it seemed, while he was chasing that Nodulian scientist who'd taken over the body of the 15 year old boy. It had started when he'd seen all those children out on the street. It had been, and still was, difficult to comprehend why human families seemed to have so many problems, and how parents could allow a situation to deteriorate to a point that the children would want to run away from home. He'd seen many good, loving families since he'd been there, but he wished that more humans had the love and devotion to their families that Cirronians had. If they did, he thought, Earth would be a much nicer planet to live on.  
  
Returning the dead boy to his family after extracting the fugitive had been difficult, because he could so clearly understand what they were experiencing. No matter what the species, losing a child was always a terrible thing for any parent. The accidental or naturally caused death of a child was painful and difficult, he thought, but it was worse still when the child was brutally murdered, as Savara had been.  
  
He remembered seeing and holding Melanie, the daughter of Mel's friend Rod. The experience had been what the humans called 'bittersweet'. It had brought back wonderful, beautiful memories of Savara, but at the same time it was another painful reminder of what he'd lost. It also made him ponder what the future might hold. Might he and Mel one day have a child of their own? He knew that only in due time would the answer to that be revealed. But he did know that, even if he and Mel did create another family, it wouldn't take the place of Duna and Savara in his heart. He would love and devote himself to his new family, but it would not change his love for those he had lost.  
  
The search for Rod had been very difficult emotionally for Mel, and it was then that he'd realized they shared a common bond, long before he knew of their shared heritage. Like him, Mel knew what it was like to be told that someone important to them was gone. They'd later found her friend alive, but she'd still experienced many similar feelings to those that he had. She also knew what it was like to wish for something that had been denied her and that now could never be, in her case, marrying Rod and having his child. Cole had understood all these feelings very clearly, and had been able to give Mel much needed support and comfort when she'd needed it most.  
  
Returning Tina, the human girl, to her father was the most difficult part of all. Cole was happy for them, but his heart ached terribly. This father would be able to have so many wonderful experiences with his child that he and Savara had been so cruelly denied. He didn't know how a being of any species could so callously take the life of another and not even feel any remorse for it. It was part of what drove him to do his work. If just one family was spared the pain and anguish he'd experienced, it was well worth it.  
  
Later, after he'd returned to the Watchfire, and Mel had gone to bed, he'd found himself crying. Crying was still a bit unusual to him, but he'd been unable to stop it from happening. He'd gone for a walk outside, but the bright, star-obscuring lights, unstopping noise, and unending activity of the city had made any sort of relaxation difficult, if not impossible. He'd wanted to do something like what he was doing now, but he couldn't drive at the time so he hadn't been able to get away from the city. He'd talked to Mel about his feelings, which had helped, and the pain had eventually begun to subside. He hadn't felt it anywhere near that bad again until this latest capture.  
  
He'd felt Duna's loss the most when he and Mel had gone undercover at that sex seminar to catch the Orsian sisters. Seeing the humans seemingly so happy with their mates made him feel very alone. They talked of how happy they felt during their mating experiences, but there was little doubt in his mind that as wonderful as the experiences must have been, they could not compare to the blissful feeling of Cirronian mating. He longed to experience it again, but he realized sadly that he probably never would. Even if he did one day take Mel as his mate, the human part of her physiology left her incapable of true Cirronian mating. Some of the feelings would be there, but it would not be the same. Besides that, there was still no question of a physical relationship at this time. It was still too dangerous and distracting.  
  
Now, more than ever, he knew he could not let his guard down. The fugitives were all free again, and he knew that many of them would like nothing more than to hunt him down and kill him, and possibly Mel as well. That was something he could not allow to happen. He could not and would not endanger both his life and the life of the wonderful, remarkable woman who had taught him so much here and whom he'd come to care for so much by attempting to become romantically involved with her. Sighing sadly, he renewed his resolve that they remain close friends and nothing more until all of the fugitives were again captured and safely back on Sar-Top. Then, and only then, would he consider intensifying the relationship. For now, he would keep his hopes and yearnings alive in his heart, hidden away until a time came when they might become reality.  
  
He hoped that maybe one day, after he died, or perhaps in another life, he and Duna and Savara would be together once more and would not have to be separated again. Cirronians had something of a religion, although it was in many respects, different from human religion. Some of the beliefs bore a slight resemblance to the beliefs of the humans called 'Native Americans' or 'Indians'. Most Cirronians believed there was a higher being of some kind, and called it by several different names, such as the Great Life Force, the Great Spirit, or simply the Guiding Spirit. They believed that before they were born, their life forces lived among the stars with the spirit and then returned there when they died The spirits of their loved ones would always be there, but they could be near or very far away. They would be close in hard times and give guidance and comfort. Other times, they might watch quietly from a distance. After they died, they would reunite, never to be separated again.  
  
Cole wondered where the spirits of Duna and Savara were now. At times, they did feel very close to him and at other times, very far away. But he felt as if they were always there, watching He thought of them very often and longed for a day when they might be reunited. Perhaps he would be able to have not only them, but also Mel with him as well. That would make him truly happy, as he now considered her just as much a part of his family as them.  
  
He continued to gaze at the stars for a few more seconds and then began to speak again. I have to go now, but don't forget what I have told you. Even though we can't be together physically, you are always with me. You maybe be far away or close by, but I always keep your memories close to my heart. I will always treasure them. You are, and always will be the lights of my heart, my brightly shining stars. Your light will always burn bright and true for me, like an undying flame in my heart and mind. I do not know what will happen with Mel, whether we will simply remain good friends or become mates one day, but I want to always be with her. She makes me happy, and keeps me from feeling alone. Remember though, that although she fills some of the emptiness, she can never take your place. I love you very much, my beautiful ones, and your memory keeps me alive until the day we are reunited.  
  
Still blinking back tears, he turned to get back in the car. He'd like to have stayed longer, but he knew that Mel would get concerned if he stayed away too long. She 'd probably worry that he 'd run into a fugitive and gotten hurt or something. He started the motor and began the drive back, feeling much better than he had earlier in the evening.  
  
As he approached and then entered the city, returning to the noise, bright lights and unceasing activity, the words he'd said and thoughts he'd had echoed in his mind, still providing the peace and calmness he yearned so much for. The trip had refreshed and relaxed him both mentally and spiritually, and he felt ready to continue his work again.  
  
When he arrived back at the bar, Mel was still sitting downstairs. He realized she'd been waiting for him to come back.  
  
"You waited up for me," he said.  
  
"I just got a little worried. Are you all right now?"  
  
"Yes, Mel. The trip helped a lot," he said as he handed her the keys. He glanced at the clock. "You should go to bed. It's late, and the human part of your physiology needs sleep or you won't do well during the day. I have to get back to work."  
  
Mel nodded as she stood. "I guess I should . . .Are you sure you're all right?"  
  
"Yes, Mel. I'm okay." He answered reassuringly.  
  
"Are you sure? We can talk about it if you want to."  
  
"I'm sure," he answered with a slight smile. "I do appreciate your concern, though. And if I want to talk about it, I'll let you know, okay?"  
  
"All right. As long as you're sure."  
  
"I'm sure, Mel. Come on, we should go upstairs."  
  
Mel crossed to the door, locked it, and then moved toward the stairwell. They started up the stairs together. When they reached the top, they said goodnight to each other and he watched as Mel went into her room. After she closed the door, he went into his. Slowly, he sat down to his work, still thinking about his trip. It had felt good, and he decided to do it again sometime soon. Even though his family wasn't really there, at least he could still talk to them and remember the time they'd had together. At least, he could keep their memory close. 


End file.
